Why I Still Celebrate Mother’s Day in Church
In my nearly two decades in ministry, I have noticed a trend among progressive churches that I find particularly concerning: the erasure of Mother’s Day. More and more mainline and progressive churches are eliminating any celebration of Mother’s Day as part of Sunday worship when the date rolls around each May. Many no longer acknowledge the day at all. As a pastor and a mother, I see this as a failure, and as an example of how our churches are becoming increasingly out of touch with peoples’ lives. Sometimes our churches unintentionally create new harm in the name of minimizing harm.
I have heard and acknowledge the many objections to including Mother’s Day in the life of the church, and think that adding Mother’s Day to the list of things we “cancel” fails to acknowledge one of the things that progressive Christians claim to do best: acknowledging complexity even as we continue to celebrate our faith and its people.
Is Mother’s Day for everyone?
Perhaps not, and yet, this celebration can be far more expansive than we assume. Some people didn’t have literal “moms,” or a single figure in their life who was “mom.” Some people had mothers who died while they were young, or even died when they were older, and it is still a source of pain. Others had mothers who abandoned them. Still others may have been raised by one or two dads, or another relative or parental figure, but not someone who held the title of “mom.” It is certainly appropriate and within the means of any skilled clergy member to acknowledge a more expansive understanding of the work of “mothering,” and also make a point to acknowledge that this day is a celebration for all who do that nurturing work. Mother’s Day is for all who mother, whoever they may be. Maybe even more creative minds than mine can rename the day to represent that fact!
We should also acknowledge that there are some individuals for whom Mother’s Day is just not their thing. Some may never be able to read themselves into the celebration of Mother’s Day because of their own life experiences. Does that mean we should skip acknowledging that day altogether? Are we really people who only celebrate things if they relate to every single person’s own experience? That doesn’t sound like us?
But what if Mother’s Day is a source of pain for some?
This is the most common reason offered by well-meaning clergy for skipping Mother’s Day acknowledgement in Sunday worship. Not having a mother, not getting to be a mother, or having a mother with whom the relationship is or was not healthy are not uncommon experiences. Are we incapable of naming that grief is also a part of Mother’s Day, whether we even mention the holiday in church or not? Are we not places that can simultaneously celebrate the joy of loving relationships and hold the grief of something that was not what was hoped for? If churches are unable to offer nuanced perspectives on life and serve as an example of how multiple truths can exist at the same time, are we modeling wholistic faith?
Also, there are other parts of worship that are noted to be sources of pain that we have learned to successfully navigate. We make changes and have additional options for those with histories of substance abuse and gluten intolerance when we celebrate Holy Communion. We navigate how to care for victims of physical abuse while still saying the words, “This is my body, broken for you.” We’ve added Blue Christmas services to help those grieving loss to navigate the joyful celebration of Christmas. We have incorporated powerful liturgies and homiletical messages into Black History Month, Asian American and Pacific Islander Awareness Month, Hispanic Heritage Month, Native American Heritage Month, Pride Month and the many other celebrations of identity. Not every member can personally relate to those celebrations through their own identities or lived experiences, and yet, we find them worthy of celebration. Why do so many decide motherhood is not also worthy of acknowledgement and celebration?
But Mother’s Day is rooted in traditional gender roles, and our church believes in moving past those.
Ah, I get it. Believe me, I get it. As a female pastor, I understand all too well the desire to move beyond traditional gender roles. And yet, as a working mom, I am keenly aware of how these gender roles still impact my life, and the lives of other women. I have a wonderful spouse, who also works full-time and is supportive of me and my career. We work to find a fair balance in the labor and responsibilities of parenting. Still, as a mother, there are things that my spouse could not do – like sacrifice his body in very uncomfortable and sometimes painful ways. In pregnancy and in the earliest months, I lost more sleep. My body still bears the stretch marks and my hair is forever thinner. And in the years since, there are realities that deserve to be acknowledged about how most parental labor is distributed in our society.
Even among my progressive female friends, there is a frequent cycle of sharing and supporting how much more we carry as mothers. It is well documented that in the majority of families, women are responsible for a oversized share of “invisible labor.” Mothers carry a disproportionate amount of often unseen, unacknowledged and unpaid labor, handling approximately 72% of the cognitive and mental load for their families. This includes constant planning, scheduling, and anticipating needs, which 75% of mothers report goes unnoticed, resulting in increased stress, burnout, and career strain.
Whether we seek to move away from traditional gender role celebration in our churches or not, the reality is that the majority of families have mothers or a figure who is “mothering” in carrying a disproportionate amount of the labor that enables the family to function. For those of us who are women, we are quite used to working the same amount or harder for less pay in the world. We are used to getting passed over for jobs because of our gender or because we hav children, particularly in the church world itself. We also shoulder a greater amount of the mental labor at home. Maybe having a worship experience that celebrates this invisible work would go a long way in helping ease the strain on our mental health and feelings of inadequacy in trying to do more with the same amount of time as everyone else.
Why I Still Celebrate Mother’s Day in Church…
Perhaps I am biased, as both a pastor and as a mom. Perhaps this whole argument may sound self-serving to readers. I hope not. My hope is that being both a pastor and a mother has allowed me to see and understand what is being lost if we skip acknowledgement of Mother’s Day in our communities of faith. I admit that a celebration of Mother’s Day in a progressive church takes some work. Careful and intentional work. As ones who are committed to holding space for complexity and naming the nuanced, inclusive and wholistic ways that we understand our faith in this world, celebrating Mother’s Day must be done thoughtfully and carefully. But I believe we are up to this task. And I believe that we are missing out on an important opportunity for support, affirmation and pastoral care when we skip Mother’s Day altogether.
So, Happy Mother’s Day to all who mother. Happy Mother’s Day to all who offer this special kind of nurture and loving sacrifice in the ways that are very reminiscent of the ways of Christ himself.
More Information on Invisible Labor:
https://apal.arizona.edu/hidden-toll-how-invisible-labor-contributes-womens-mental-health
https://www.todaysparent.com/family/invisible-load/
https://www.mother.ly/parenting/invisble-labor-motherhood-mental-load/
https://www.thebump.com/news/moms-invisible-labor-study
https://www.goodmorningamerica.com/wellness/story/invisible-labor-taking-toll-mothers-60519555
